What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 10:12
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I don,t even have a pension.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was 9 years of age.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Is Trump the greatest spiritual leader since Jesus?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Is a man over 50 not married no kids a red flag?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Are miracles real or do they just have natural explanations?
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
Im still living with it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I write beautiful poetry .
My family never makes their pension either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When she asked me how she looked .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was seconnd youngest,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She married twice! .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was very sick at this time too.
I have no regrets .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But, we were locked up after school.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Comes on , in middle age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Was to survive, this bastard.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ive learnt so much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Put me off passion for life!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
But it wasn’t much.
I said to her
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I waited trembling.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!